This time of year...

I used to love the magical feeling during this time of year, the hustle and bustle, shopping, giving gifts and seeing nearly everyone in a cheerful mood.  What happened?  I put a great amount of thought into the gifts I gave, and I also received some very nice ones, but something was just missing this year.

I don't know why I feel so depressed.  I remember just two years ago baking cookies and blaring Straight No Chaser's version of The Twelve Days of Christmas on the radio... annoying the heck out of Nate.  I didn't bake any cookies this year.

I'd been preoccupied with my marathon training and that's okay.  No one made me feel guilty and it had been taking so much out of me.  Then it happened last Tuesday evening. A scheduled 4 miles (RPE-L) with 3 x 800 intervals and 400 recoveries after the 800s.   I was beaming and told Nate how well I did when I got home.  The bad news was that we had nothing ready for dinner.  I suggested we go to Dash's and pick something up.

While at the store I felt that my shoe was digging into my heel.  I thought maybe my sock was on funny and I needed to just get out of my shoes.  When we got home, I took my shoes off but the pain was still there.  It was like a knife was sticking into the side of my ankle.  Not too concerned, I continued with cross training on Wednesday.  I was a little sore afterwards, but nothing terrible.  Wednesday at work, I could barely walk.

In my unprofessional medical opinion, I have Achilles tendinitis in my left leg.  I do not believe there was a rupture, but I cannot even bear to stand in high heeled shoes.  I've been babying the injury, but I don't think I'm getting better.  I'm ready to give up.  I think I have to.  I certainly cannot run, let alone walk or stand much on my left leg.

We went to Tim Horton's on the Sunday before Christmas.  Tim Horton's is a terrible habit.  A group of runners from Checkers AC came in to eat after a Sunday long run.  Two of the runners we are acquainted with came over to say hello and asked if we were still running.  I started to explain, "I was going to try to run Buffalo... but..."  I felt so down while talking about it.  The icing on the cake was passing anther group from Checkers out running in our neighborhood while on our way to church.

You know, I feel so foolish.  I told so many people I was training for this.  In the meantime I also have my surgery coming up to the precancerous melanoma spot on my other foot.  I am a fool.

The other thing is, it's not just about the running.  I'll get over that.  It's about how the running is somehow in the way.  It's a priority for me. An obsession.  That's the kind of girl I am, though!   I want to jump out of airplanes, ride a Harley, be a rock star, a writer and a hard core athlete.  I'm sick and tired of everyone trying to change me and everything I've ever wanted to be.  You will never see me "dolled up" and you will rarely see me in make-up.  Getting up in the morning and throwing my hair up in a pony tail is just fine by me!

For Christmas, I guess I wish everyone would just let me grow into the person who I want to be, not mold me into the conventional housewife/woman that I'm "supposed" to be.  Just let me be me...