Okay, the subject of this entry is utter cheese, unless you're a girl (and a Christian music aficionado). When I was in high school, I heard this song on the radio, and I had to find it on (then legal) Napster. I remember listening to the lyrics and thinking "this is me." I knew so deeply that I needed to hear this song, and find a reason to keep searching for my place in this word...
Somehow I ended up being office coordinator for the United Way Day of Caring in Buffalo, NY a few years back. I kind of felt "special" when my former supervisor asked me to take the reigns of a guy who retired. I was reluctant, and even mentioned someone else in the office who I thought would do a better job with this event. My supervisor pushed me a bit, and I reluctantly accepted her proposition. I can honestly say at this point in my life, I'm glad she asked me to do this.
This year was my 4th year in charge of our office's volunteer activity -- my 7th Day of Caring in total. We spent the day at Cradle Beach Camp in Angola, NY, painting a maintenance shed and staining a couple of decks. I hadn't gotten much sleep last night, due to my sleep patterns being way out of whack and my lower back killing me. I couldn't sleep for one real reason: depression.
As we painted the shed, a guy from my office and I began reminiscing about our on-campus interviews with Federal Recruiters with the Workforce Recruitment Program for Students with Disabilities. I told my co-worker how I'd left my interview holding back tears. Seven years ago, while opening my transcript, a Federal recruiter smiled and said, "Wow! Look at all these A's." He proceeded to ask me what my career interests were as he glanced through my resume. I told him that I was interested in safety and security. His demeanor changed and he went on to say, "I don't understand how your interests have anything to do with what you went to school for." He then went on to criticize my resume (which a career counselor helped me put together.) "Well, we only place about 10% of all applicants. I'll circulate your resume, but I don't think anything will come of it." I recall being in a trance as a walked out of the Student Union at UB. I was stunned and offended.
Here I am, over 6 years later. The recruiter was wrong, but I'm still not happy. I feel as though my life is slipping away as time passes me by while I sit in front of a computer. I never wanted a desk job. I hate sitting in front of a computer. I knew what I wanted to do with my life and this is not it. Don't get me wrong, I am extremely grateful for the job I have and I always try my best, but I feel it's not what I was meant to do with my life. Jobs tend to define people... and I do not want this job to define me because it's not who I am. I wanted to be a patrolman in the Amherst Police Department. I wanted to work with kids. I wanted to coach. Dystonia robbed me of all of those dreams. Forgive me for being bitter.
Who am I, then? I think I'm supposed to be the person I am when I'm my happiest, doing my best, and being the best version of myself. When I'm working on a project where I can see the impact is has on people, I know that's where I'm supposed to be. When I'm out for a long run, meditating, dreaming and brainstorming... I'm me. When a bunch of 10-year-old girls eagerly raise their hands to participate in a GOTR activity, share a story, or run up to me and give me a hug while participating in Girls on the Run... I know that's when I'm at my best. These activities that make me feel so alive are in stark contrast to what I do day in and day out. I need to somehow get out of this funk. I need more of these positive "projects" and activities in my life. But how?
My job isn't that difficult and honestly, I am grateful. But my heart is not in it. My heart is in being a Girls on the Run coach, spending extra hours at home planning activities, watching the girls grow as people and athletes. It's in coordinating activities like Day of Caring. I enjoy volunteering in atmospheres where I get to meet a wide variety of people. I love both spectating and volunteering at road races. I always, always, always like to help people who are trying to do something good.
Right now, I just have my job. I do not have running. I do not have coaching. I just have my job and a house to come home to. I know all of that is more than so many people have, but I am not where I am supposed to be in this world...
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