I finally opened up...

...and then I just wouldn't shut up.  I was a quiet , soft-spoken girl who was afraid of her own shadow until about 26 years of age.  I stopped being afraid to talk to people around then.  The problem was, I just couldn't stop talking.  I still don't stop once I get started.  I've been told that it's enough to drive a saint to sin.

Not only have I been told directly, but I've had nonverbal cues and even completely lost my train of thought while trying to tell stories.  There's a supervisor in my office that I took the train in with for a while.  I'd be so excited to see him every morning that while I was yakking away, I neglected to take notice of the fact that he had a book open in front of him.  He'd always end up closing it, with the realization that he was not going to get any reading done as long as I was on the train with him.  He never complained about it, but it just hit me one day recently,  "He didn't want to talk. He wanted to read."

Today I broached the topic of how I talk too much with the new guy in our office.  I was probably on my third long-winded story with this guy since his start day on Tuesday.  I stopped in mid-sentence and laughed, telling him about the train incidents with his supervisor and how I talked to him too much as well.  His supervisor peeked his head out of his cube and said, "Now when I try to read on the subway, I just fall asleep."

I am well aware of this problem, and yet I still somehow am not conscious of the fact that I am doing it as it is happening.  Then I wonder why I don't have many close friends.  I'm nearly impossible to have a conversation with, though I do listen to people.  I do care.

I'm entering another long weekend.  My husband has to work again.  I don't want to feel sorry for myself, but I guess I kind of do.  I am not an easy person to be around, and I'm often living in a fantasy world designed in my head.  I need a reality check.  I need a new project and a reason to get out of bed tomorrow morning.  Right now I just don't have any idea what I'm supposed to be doing to keep myself occupied and happy.