So Tired

I need to get my act together and just wake up.  I am a night owl.  I don't know why, and I know it's not normal, but I drag all day long and around 8:00 every night, I start to wake up.  My dystonia calms down.  I itch to go to the gym, but it's time for bed.  I'm not tired.

My husband worked nights for 7 years and always says to me "you just don't know how hard it is until you have to do it."  You know, I believe tht's true for him, but what's wrong with me?

I remember in college I deliberately took 3-hour long night classes because I knew most of the instructors would be adjuncts, grad students, or assistants who would want to get through those 3 hours as quickly as possible, go home, and go to sleep.  I would go to class, grab a mocha from Starbucks, and stay up all night reading. Four or Five AM would be bedtime.  I'd sleep for a few hours and go running.  I felt great!  Even battling a rare neurological disease, I was able to juggle quite a bit.

The working world is much more like high school, except my head needs to be in the game during the day.  I have to be aware of what I'm doing and be able to think straight.  I drink cup after cup of coffee during the day, but it doesn't help much.  In high school, many times I'd have to be there by 7:00, but I'd drift off during class.  Good thing I was smart and that I also had an extremely intelligent dad who helped me cram for tests late at night.  Now, years later... it's just.. during the day.. "I'm so sorry... I can't think straight... so tired... can I sleep on it and let you know tomorrow?"

Can my mood change my sleep patterns?  Who knows.  I don't love my job, but I love the work environment.  When I became disabled, my neurologist told me my law enforcement dreams... well... they wouldn't come true.  I had to have a "desk job" that "wouldn't require fine motor skills."  I thought I was going to die...  When I'm "with it", I'm pretty sharp.  I can retain information and be creative.  During the day, I'm a zombie on caffiene.

I do not know what's going to happen with GOTR at Mill this year.  Registration opened a week ago and we only have 4 girls signed up.  I've been so psyched to coach for at least one more season.  This may not become a reality.  The girls give me a reason to run.  They give me a reason to be a better person by preparing lessons and making them even better than the book we have.  Giving the gift of running, either directly or indirectly) to people I've known in my life (friends, family, GOTR girls, or whoever) has always made me happy.  Sometimes, people I didn't even know that well would come up to me, smiling ear to ear telling me how many miles they ran over the weekend.

I was at a wake on Monday evening.  A neighbor from my childhood, Mr. Smith, passed away.  It had been a while since I'd the family, so most of their immediate family was shocked and surprised. The last time I'd seen most of them I was only 10 years old.  One family member I never forgot though.  Ronnie.  Ronnie became a police officer when I was a little girl.  He's a detective now.  I'd seen him in recent years anyway.  Back in my ice cream scooping days, he'd frequently come into the restaurant I worked at to order lunch.  One time, before placing his order, he said to me, "I see you running all over the damn place!"  What could I say?  Ronnie didn't need to be introduced to me -- As soon as I could cut into the cops paying their respect and chatting with Ron, he stepped aside, gave me a big hug, thanked me for coming, etc., etc..... and then he asked the question so many people ask me, "Are you still running?"  He reminded me of how he used to see me out running all the time while he was on patrol.  I gave him the same old story... bad knees, tired, I do a little here and there.  But at the same time I knew I was lying to myself.  I can get better.  It's 9:30 at night and I want to throw on my running shoes... but... it's 9:30 at night... *sigh*