This time of year...

I used to love the magical feeling during this time of year, the hustle and bustle, shopping, giving gifts and seeing nearly everyone in a cheerful mood.  What happened?  I put a great amount of thought into the gifts I gave, and I also received some very nice ones, but something was just missing this year.

I don't know why I feel so depressed.  I remember just two years ago baking cookies and blaring Straight No Chaser's version of The Twelve Days of Christmas on the radio... annoying the heck out of Nate.  I didn't bake any cookies this year.

I'd been preoccupied with my marathon training and that's okay.  No one made me feel guilty and it had been taking so much out of me.  Then it happened last Tuesday evening. A scheduled 4 miles (RPE-L) with 3 x 800 intervals and 400 recoveries after the 800s.   I was beaming and told Nate how well I did when I got home.  The bad news was that we had nothing ready for dinner.  I suggested we go to Dash's and pick something up.

While at the store I felt that my shoe was digging into my heel.  I thought maybe my sock was on funny and I needed to just get out of my shoes.  When we got home, I took my shoes off but the pain was still there.  It was like a knife was sticking into the side of my ankle.  Not too concerned, I continued with cross training on Wednesday.  I was a little sore afterwards, but nothing terrible.  Wednesday at work, I could barely walk.

In my unprofessional medical opinion, I have Achilles tendinitis in my left leg.  I do not believe there was a rupture, but I cannot even bear to stand in high heeled shoes.  I've been babying the injury, but I don't think I'm getting better.  I'm ready to give up.  I think I have to.  I certainly cannot run, let alone walk or stand much on my left leg.

We went to Tim Horton's on the Sunday before Christmas.  Tim Horton's is a terrible habit.  A group of runners from Checkers AC came in to eat after a Sunday long run.  Two of the runners we are acquainted with came over to say hello and asked if we were still running.  I started to explain, "I was going to try to run Buffalo... but..."  I felt so down while talking about it.  The icing on the cake was passing anther group from Checkers out running in our neighborhood while on our way to church.

You know, I feel so foolish.  I told so many people I was training for this.  In the meantime I also have my surgery coming up to the precancerous melanoma spot on my other foot.  I am a fool.

The other thing is, it's not just about the running.  I'll get over that.  It's about how the running is somehow in the way.  It's a priority for me. An obsession.  That's the kind of girl I am, though!   I want to jump out of airplanes, ride a Harley, be a rock star, a writer and a hard core athlete.  I'm sick and tired of everyone trying to change me and everything I've ever wanted to be.  You will never see me "dolled up" and you will rarely see me in make-up.  Getting up in the morning and throwing my hair up in a pony tail is just fine by me!

For Christmas, I guess I wish everyone would just let me grow into the person who I want to be, not mold me into the conventional housewife/woman that I'm "supposed" to be.  Just let me be me...

Scientists Discover New Genetic Basis for Dystonia, a Debilitating Movement Disorder Impacting 500,000 North Americans - The Mount Sinai Hospital

Scientists Discover New Genetic Basis for Dystonia, a Debilitating Movement Disorder Impacting 500,000 North Americans - The Mount Sinai Hospital

As most of you know, I have primary torsion dystonia which is generalized (meaning, all over my body).  I have no idea why I have this disorder since I test negative for the most prominent gene associated with torsion dystonia - the DYT1 gene.

The discovery of this new gene may provide hope for me!

In other news, I am 95% sure I have achilles tendonitis.  I am in pain after working/running yesterday.  The pain came on suddenly at home and it was so subtle at first that I thought part of my shoe was just digging into my leg. 

This really stinks...

Not cancer, but... why my foot?

The subject of this blog entry, in particular "why my foot?" is the same question I asked myself nearly 10 years ago.  As a distance runner, obviously feet play an important part of my life.  Dystonia manifested itself in my right foot before any other part of my body.  It remained in that part of my body for about a year before it spread.

Now that same foot has another problem. Moles.  Okay, I admit, people like myself always think moles are petty ridiculous things to worry about.  A little skin discoloration - so what?  Even in Seinfeld, Jerry called a dermatologist he was dating in one particular episode "pimple popper , M.D." after she proclaimed she was a doctor who saved lives. 

I just returned from my dermatologist this morning, expecting to have a procedure completed that would remove the rest of some abnormal cells from the bottom of my foot.  Simple enough. I mean, I could deal with pain. The initial biopsy hurt and I dealt with it, so what would one more layer of cells be? 

The procedure didn't take place...

Instead, at 9:00 a.m. I was presented with some inconclusive test results on this tiny discoloration.  The specimen that was sent to a lab in Pittsford, NY couldn't categorize the mole.  The lab is able to tell that I do not have cancer; however, they classified the lesion as "moderate to severe atypia" as they cannot tell how large or deep this lesion goes.  In fact, they aren't even really sure what the heck it is.

The "slides" are being sent to Harvard Medical School for consultation, since we don't really know what we're dealing with.  Had Nate not noticed this tiny mole a few weeks ago -- the dermatologist and nurse said for certain that I would have developed melanoma within the next year or two.

The dermatologist debated between sending me to either Roswell Park Cancer Institute or to a dermatologist within Buffalo Medical Group who would be able to perform surgery that would definitively remove the rest of the "bad cells" in my foot.  I am going to Buffalo Medical Group. 

On one hand, I should be grateful.  Had my husband not noticed the tiny mole in my foot a few weeks ago, in a few years I could be fighting for my life.  On the other hand, depending on the size and the amount of tissue that will need to be removed, The Buffalo Marathon may not be a reality this May.  I've been working very hard - jogging, stretching, weight lifting.  I've lost a couple of lbs. in just three weeks.  My legs are becoming very strong already.  I have not deviated from my training schedule.  

I know it is not rational, but I love running so much - more than life itself.  It puts me in a place where I feel at peace.  Everything seems right when I glide across the pavement.  The rush it gives me is incredible, amazing and indescribable.  I guess what I fear is the unknown of this lesion in my foot, and also the other three moles which my dermatologist want to tackle one at a time.

Sometimes I also feel like I've already had my fair share of health struggles in life at such a young age, especially regarding dystonia and having to maintain my brain stimulators.  The surgery was a blessing but also a pain in the you know what.  Even though I know I am not invincible, it's scary to know that other things are starting to go wrong... and I wonder to myself, "what next?"

Trying to remain optimistic...

On Being a Hypochondriac...

I am a hypochondriac and a control freak.  When things don't go as planned, the world stops and so do I.  It's not a healthy or rational way to live, since things don't go as planned in life for anyone.  People face adversities and move on.  One would think that after what I've been through with dystonia I would be a stronger, more laid back person who is simply happy to be alive.  Instead, I've developed general fear and anxiety issues that are completely ridiculous.

I am going back to the dermatologist on Friday to have the rest of the dysplastic mole removed from the bottom/side of my right foot.  I know it will hurt and I can deal with pain.  What scares me more are the other three moles that the doctor did not biopsy.  Are they cancerous?  Are they precancerous?  Are they just moles? What if any of them are melanoma?  Only a biopsy can tell.  And being the hypochondriac that I am, I've been on the internet nonstop trying to determine what will happen on Friday.  In my irrational line of thinking, I already have it in my mind that two of my toes are going to need to be amputated.  

Okay, let's take a step back.  Possible?  Sure.  Probable?  Absolutely not!  If my dermatologist were that concerned he would have done a biopsy on those moles a week and a half ago.  Even in this "rational" line of thinking, I am still terrified and am finding myself on Google in search of answers.   That really needs to stop.

So many wonderful things have happened over the past couple of years. Marrying a great guy.  Making new friends and maintaining old friendships.  Coaching three seasons of Girls on the Run.  Even this past weekend, hanging out with two fantastic people who want to see me succeed as a marathon runner was simply awesome.  Regardless of what life throws at me (good or bad) I need to learn to chill... I have it pretty darn good!

"Life has a funny way of helping you out." ~Alanis Morissette

Physical and Psychological Setbacks

I am just finishing my second week of marathon training.  I will only have 24 weeks to go after tomorrow!  I am pleasantly surprised to see my conditioning return by sticking to a regular training schedule.  I am having some setbacks in my life that make me want to quit already, but I am trying to continue running through the unknown unless I am told I cannot.

Yesterday I got some news that I just wasn't expecting.  The mole I had removed from my foot last week was dysplastic (precancerous or having abnormal cells) and the doctor will need to remove more tissue from that area. I'm not too happy about it since it will likely put my training to a temporary halt.  There are three other moles on my feet as well - one on my heel and two on my toes. I do not know what is in store from them.

I kind of whined when the nurse called me with the news, "Do I HAVE to have this done right now?  I'm in a marathon training program."  She said she would talk to the doctor about it.  I realized how ridiculous I was acting after I cried to a couple of my coworkers about it.  I was not being reasonable.  People who are in training usually face setbacks for one reason or another.  It doesn't mean they don't bounce back.  I called back to apologize and I am going back in to the office this coming Friday.    It's beyond my control, and I suppose I need to accept that and deal with it the best I can.

Today I did a low/moderate treadmill workout 3 miles in 24 minutes (7.5 mph).  Tomorrow Jenna and I are meeting up for a 7 mile run in North Buffalo.    7 miles isn't terribly long, but it's the "long run" for the week.  I haven't been smart about training in years.  Even this week, I pushed myself a little too hard on a couple of my speed workouts, causing my kneecap to loosen up and the pain to flare up by yesterday (my one rest day).  But living, running and learning are all part of this process.

I know I'll get there!

Running with a hole in my foot...

Today I was scheduled for a 2-3 mile workout RPE-L.  I was apprehensive due to the mole removal on my foot yesterday, and debated whether or not I should cross train and weight lift instead.  Since the weather was decent, I opted to shoot for a run in my neighborhood.  I obviously still have a hole from where the mole was removed, but it's no longer bleeding, which is a good thing.

Switching from the treadmill to running outdoors is so strange.  Since that you can literally set the pace with the push of a button on a treadmill, you're forced to stick to it.   It's pretty much impossible to screw up your pacing unless you go out way too fast.  If you're running outdoors, it's easy to trick yourself into thinking that you're running much slower than you really are - even while utilizing a Garmin.  But the Garmin doesn't lie.

My RPE-L workouts at the gym have all been paced slightly over 9:00/mile.  Today, feeling pretty good and feeling like I was running slowly, I averaged my 3 mile run at 8:04 per mile.  Mile # 1 at 7:56, mile #2 at 7:54, and mile #3 at 8:12.  While I feel that the workout was certainly completed slower than my 5k pace, it definitely wasn't a low-intensity excursion!  Maybe the treadmills aren't calibrated right?  Who knows. Anyway, here it is for today: Endomondo Running Workout: Nicole was out running 3.02 miles in 24m:21s using Endomondo.

In any event, I'm glad I finished the workout.  My knee hurts though.  Tomorrow needs to be the slowest run of the week - a 6 mile run.  Hopefully the weather will hold up for me.