This time of year...

I used to love the magical feeling during this time of year, the hustle and bustle, shopping, giving gifts and seeing nearly everyone in a cheerful mood.  What happened?  I put a great amount of thought into the gifts I gave, and I also received some very nice ones, but something was just missing this year.

I don't know why I feel so depressed.  I remember just two years ago baking cookies and blaring Straight No Chaser's version of The Twelve Days of Christmas on the radio... annoying the heck out of Nate.  I didn't bake any cookies this year.

I'd been preoccupied with my marathon training and that's okay.  No one made me feel guilty and it had been taking so much out of me.  Then it happened last Tuesday evening. A scheduled 4 miles (RPE-L) with 3 x 800 intervals and 400 recoveries after the 800s.   I was beaming and told Nate how well I did when I got home.  The bad news was that we had nothing ready for dinner.  I suggested we go to Dash's and pick something up.

While at the store I felt that my shoe was digging into my heel.  I thought maybe my sock was on funny and I needed to just get out of my shoes.  When we got home, I took my shoes off but the pain was still there.  It was like a knife was sticking into the side of my ankle.  Not too concerned, I continued with cross training on Wednesday.  I was a little sore afterwards, but nothing terrible.  Wednesday at work, I could barely walk.

In my unprofessional medical opinion, I have Achilles tendinitis in my left leg.  I do not believe there was a rupture, but I cannot even bear to stand in high heeled shoes.  I've been babying the injury, but I don't think I'm getting better.  I'm ready to give up.  I think I have to.  I certainly cannot run, let alone walk or stand much on my left leg.

We went to Tim Horton's on the Sunday before Christmas.  Tim Horton's is a terrible habit.  A group of runners from Checkers AC came in to eat after a Sunday long run.  Two of the runners we are acquainted with came over to say hello and asked if we were still running.  I started to explain, "I was going to try to run Buffalo... but..."  I felt so down while talking about it.  The icing on the cake was passing anther group from Checkers out running in our neighborhood while on our way to church.

You know, I feel so foolish.  I told so many people I was training for this.  In the meantime I also have my surgery coming up to the precancerous melanoma spot on my other foot.  I am a fool.

The other thing is, it's not just about the running.  I'll get over that.  It's about how the running is somehow in the way.  It's a priority for me. An obsession.  That's the kind of girl I am, though!   I want to jump out of airplanes, ride a Harley, be a rock star, a writer and a hard core athlete.  I'm sick and tired of everyone trying to change me and everything I've ever wanted to be.  You will never see me "dolled up" and you will rarely see me in make-up.  Getting up in the morning and throwing my hair up in a pony tail is just fine by me!

For Christmas, I guess I wish everyone would just let me grow into the person who I want to be, not mold me into the conventional housewife/woman that I'm "supposed" to be.  Just let me be me...

Scientists Discover New Genetic Basis for Dystonia, a Debilitating Movement Disorder Impacting 500,000 North Americans - The Mount Sinai Hospital

Scientists Discover New Genetic Basis for Dystonia, a Debilitating Movement Disorder Impacting 500,000 North Americans - The Mount Sinai Hospital

As most of you know, I have primary torsion dystonia which is generalized (meaning, all over my body).  I have no idea why I have this disorder since I test negative for the most prominent gene associated with torsion dystonia - the DYT1 gene.

The discovery of this new gene may provide hope for me!

In other news, I am 95% sure I have achilles tendonitis.  I am in pain after working/running yesterday.  The pain came on suddenly at home and it was so subtle at first that I thought part of my shoe was just digging into my leg. 

This really stinks...

Not cancer, but... why my foot?

The subject of this blog entry, in particular "why my foot?" is the same question I asked myself nearly 10 years ago.  As a distance runner, obviously feet play an important part of my life.  Dystonia manifested itself in my right foot before any other part of my body.  It remained in that part of my body for about a year before it spread.

Now that same foot has another problem. Moles.  Okay, I admit, people like myself always think moles are petty ridiculous things to worry about.  A little skin discoloration - so what?  Even in Seinfeld, Jerry called a dermatologist he was dating in one particular episode "pimple popper , M.D." after she proclaimed she was a doctor who saved lives. 

I just returned from my dermatologist this morning, expecting to have a procedure completed that would remove the rest of some abnormal cells from the bottom of my foot.  Simple enough. I mean, I could deal with pain. The initial biopsy hurt and I dealt with it, so what would one more layer of cells be? 

The procedure didn't take place...

Instead, at 9:00 a.m. I was presented with some inconclusive test results on this tiny discoloration.  The specimen that was sent to a lab in Pittsford, NY couldn't categorize the mole.  The lab is able to tell that I do not have cancer; however, they classified the lesion as "moderate to severe atypia" as they cannot tell how large or deep this lesion goes.  In fact, they aren't even really sure what the heck it is.

The "slides" are being sent to Harvard Medical School for consultation, since we don't really know what we're dealing with.  Had Nate not noticed this tiny mole a few weeks ago -- the dermatologist and nurse said for certain that I would have developed melanoma within the next year or two.

The dermatologist debated between sending me to either Roswell Park Cancer Institute or to a dermatologist within Buffalo Medical Group who would be able to perform surgery that would definitively remove the rest of the "bad cells" in my foot.  I am going to Buffalo Medical Group. 

On one hand, I should be grateful.  Had my husband not noticed the tiny mole in my foot a few weeks ago, in a few years I could be fighting for my life.  On the other hand, depending on the size and the amount of tissue that will need to be removed, The Buffalo Marathon may not be a reality this May.  I've been working very hard - jogging, stretching, weight lifting.  I've lost a couple of lbs. in just three weeks.  My legs are becoming very strong already.  I have not deviated from my training schedule.  

I know it is not rational, but I love running so much - more than life itself.  It puts me in a place where I feel at peace.  Everything seems right when I glide across the pavement.  The rush it gives me is incredible, amazing and indescribable.  I guess what I fear is the unknown of this lesion in my foot, and also the other three moles which my dermatologist want to tackle one at a time.

Sometimes I also feel like I've already had my fair share of health struggles in life at such a young age, especially regarding dystonia and having to maintain my brain stimulators.  The surgery was a blessing but also a pain in the you know what.  Even though I know I am not invincible, it's scary to know that other things are starting to go wrong... and I wonder to myself, "what next?"

Trying to remain optimistic...

On Being a Hypochondriac...

I am a hypochondriac and a control freak.  When things don't go as planned, the world stops and so do I.  It's not a healthy or rational way to live, since things don't go as planned in life for anyone.  People face adversities and move on.  One would think that after what I've been through with dystonia I would be a stronger, more laid back person who is simply happy to be alive.  Instead, I've developed general fear and anxiety issues that are completely ridiculous.

I am going back to the dermatologist on Friday to have the rest of the dysplastic mole removed from the bottom/side of my right foot.  I know it will hurt and I can deal with pain.  What scares me more are the other three moles that the doctor did not biopsy.  Are they cancerous?  Are they precancerous?  Are they just moles? What if any of them are melanoma?  Only a biopsy can tell.  And being the hypochondriac that I am, I've been on the internet nonstop trying to determine what will happen on Friday.  In my irrational line of thinking, I already have it in my mind that two of my toes are going to need to be amputated.  

Okay, let's take a step back.  Possible?  Sure.  Probable?  Absolutely not!  If my dermatologist were that concerned he would have done a biopsy on those moles a week and a half ago.  Even in this "rational" line of thinking, I am still terrified and am finding myself on Google in search of answers.   That really needs to stop.

So many wonderful things have happened over the past couple of years. Marrying a great guy.  Making new friends and maintaining old friendships.  Coaching three seasons of Girls on the Run.  Even this past weekend, hanging out with two fantastic people who want to see me succeed as a marathon runner was simply awesome.  Regardless of what life throws at me (good or bad) I need to learn to chill... I have it pretty darn good!

"Life has a funny way of helping you out." ~Alanis Morissette

Physical and Psychological Setbacks

I am just finishing my second week of marathon training.  I will only have 24 weeks to go after tomorrow!  I am pleasantly surprised to see my conditioning return by sticking to a regular training schedule.  I am having some setbacks in my life that make me want to quit already, but I am trying to continue running through the unknown unless I am told I cannot.

Yesterday I got some news that I just wasn't expecting.  The mole I had removed from my foot last week was dysplastic (precancerous or having abnormal cells) and the doctor will need to remove more tissue from that area. I'm not too happy about it since it will likely put my training to a temporary halt.  There are three other moles on my feet as well - one on my heel and two on my toes. I do not know what is in store from them.

I kind of whined when the nurse called me with the news, "Do I HAVE to have this done right now?  I'm in a marathon training program."  She said she would talk to the doctor about it.  I realized how ridiculous I was acting after I cried to a couple of my coworkers about it.  I was not being reasonable.  People who are in training usually face setbacks for one reason or another.  It doesn't mean they don't bounce back.  I called back to apologize and I am going back in to the office this coming Friday.    It's beyond my control, and I suppose I need to accept that and deal with it the best I can.

Today I did a low/moderate treadmill workout 3 miles in 24 minutes (7.5 mph).  Tomorrow Jenna and I are meeting up for a 7 mile run in North Buffalo.    7 miles isn't terribly long, but it's the "long run" for the week.  I haven't been smart about training in years.  Even this week, I pushed myself a little too hard on a couple of my speed workouts, causing my kneecap to loosen up and the pain to flare up by yesterday (my one rest day).  But living, running and learning are all part of this process.

I know I'll get there!

Running with a hole in my foot...

Today I was scheduled for a 2-3 mile workout RPE-L.  I was apprehensive due to the mole removal on my foot yesterday, and debated whether or not I should cross train and weight lift instead.  Since the weather was decent, I opted to shoot for a run in my neighborhood.  I obviously still have a hole from where the mole was removed, but it's no longer bleeding, which is a good thing.

Switching from the treadmill to running outdoors is so strange.  Since that you can literally set the pace with the push of a button on a treadmill, you're forced to stick to it.   It's pretty much impossible to screw up your pacing unless you go out way too fast.  If you're running outdoors, it's easy to trick yourself into thinking that you're running much slower than you really are - even while utilizing a Garmin.  But the Garmin doesn't lie.

My RPE-L workouts at the gym have all been paced slightly over 9:00/mile.  Today, feeling pretty good and feeling like I was running slowly, I averaged my 3 mile run at 8:04 per mile.  Mile # 1 at 7:56, mile #2 at 7:54, and mile #3 at 8:12.  While I feel that the workout was certainly completed slower than my 5k pace, it definitely wasn't a low-intensity excursion!  Maybe the treadmills aren't calibrated right?  Who knows. Anyway, here it is for today: Endomondo Running Workout: Nicole was out running 3.02 miles in 24m:21s using Endomondo.

In any event, I'm glad I finished the workout.  My knee hurts though.  Tomorrow needs to be the slowest run of the week - a 6 mile run.  Hopefully the weather will hold up for me.

Rest Day

Every Friday is a rest day in my training program.  Today I am especially grateful that it's Friday...

A few weeks ago, my husband noticed a suspicious looking mole on my foot.  Since my mother-in-law recently had a very large precancerous mole removed from her heel at Roswell Park Cancer Institute, I figured a trip to the dermatologist would ease his mind.  I kind of figured the doctor would take a look at the mole, say it was nothing, and I'd simply be out the door with a prescription for my stubborn rosacea.  Well, I didn't get off that easy...

I guess what they normally do to test moles it do this "prick test" that grabs a tiny tissue sample along with part of the mole.  The nurse asked the doctor, "can we do this?"  He said, "Yes, let's do that..." "Even with her Deep Brain Stimulators?  It might be better to just remove it."  The doctor had a look on his face as if he was thinking he should know exactly what to do here. "I'm just concerned about her bleeding."  I then asked him, "Is there heat involved with this test?"  Yes, heat would be involved.  I said I probably couldn't have that test done, but if he wanted to he could call Medtronic to find out for sure, that I had their contact information on me.

I suppose to save time and remove doubt, they decided to shoot my foot up with Novocaine and completely cut out the mole to send it for testing.  If the test results come back as a melanoma (which he doesn't believe it is), the doctor informed me that he will need to remove more of the tissue where the mole was.  If there are abnormal cells in this sample, he wants to remove two other moles on that foot.  If it's simply a mole, he will probably not have to do anything.  For now, I need to keep the bandage on my foot and leave it open to air tomorrow.  If I want to go running tomorrow (which I do) I will need to put another bandage on.  Oh, and did I mention that my foot really hurts right now? LOL.

The good news; however, is that I can still plan on running the marathon regardless of the test results.

Right now, it's also snowing.  I really wish we could have another warm winter.  I need to be outside for all of my long runs.  Oh well, roll with the punches.

Pay no attention to the person on the treadmill next to you...

I completed the second day of my six month marathon training program last night.  A 2-3 mile run RPE-L.  I only have one issue - it's tough to determine my own low, medium and high rates of perceived excursions.  I set the treadmill at 6.5 miles an hour, and felt that I was getting nothing out of it, so for mile number 3 I upped it to 6.6 mph.  (This means my pace per mile ranged from 9:13 to 9:05).  This should be slow for me, considering a few years back my 5k pace ranged from 6:30 to 6:40 minutes per mile.  I know I am nowhere near that 5k pace right now, so it's tough to determine where I stand for a true 5k race pace.  I also need to take into account my natural ability along with 15 years of experience as a runner.  I am sure things will fall into place, but I want to make sure I don't do too much and burn out before May 26th.

A tough thing for me to do psychologically is not pay attention to the people on the treadmills around me.  I'll look at the person next to me and think to myself, "I can do that too..." but it's tough for me to bear in mind that they might just be doing a plain old workout or have different goals in mind.  I'm not going for speed, but for eventual distance.  I need to keep that in mind, or my training will become disastrous.

I'm actually hoping for some warmer days.  I misplaced my sweat absorbing athletic gloves.  My fingers and toes turn blue in the cold (a definite issue for me this time of year in Buffalo).  It's called Raynaud's Syndrome.  It's not terribly debilitating for me, but an issue nevertheless.   There's the more critical issue of my IPGs and running on potentially icy surfaces - which my neurosurgeon warned against. If I slip, fall and break one of my generators, I'm screwed.   I would need to go into surgery for IPG replacement.  Still, training in my neighborhood is so much better than on a treadmill.  It would be just me and my Garmin - no one else psyching me out and making me feel that I need to run faster.

In other news, I officially bowed out of coaching Girls on the Run for the spring season.  I will miss it tremendously.  Unfortunately, with the way my dystonia is progressing, I am afraid that if I do not train for and run a marathon now, I never will.  I need to complete just one marathon in my life; just one.  I had so many goals in life that simply were destroyed when I got sick - completing a marathon is one I refuse to give up on.

I do not have the time or energy to both coach and train.  I have learned to accept that I cannot take on the same level/amount of responsibilities that healthier people can, and I also will never have the energy I used to have.  These are the cards I have been dealt, and I need to use them wisely. 

1 day down 180 to go...

I just finished day #1 of my marathon training program.  20 minutes of light cross training or walking.  You know, when I saw the workout for the 1st day, I thought, "really?"  Per my doctor's instruction, I need to do some weight lifting for the arthritis in my knee, so after my easy 20 minute recumbent bike ride, I used 4 different machines at the gym to work some non-running leg muscles. 

You know what?  For as many miles I have run over the years, and as strong as my legs might be, the lifting was tough!  Those non-running muscles in my legs burned!  I am fairly confident that strengthening will help my injuries.

I am taking glucosamine chondroitin again as well.  I asked my doctor if I was throwing money away on this stuff... in a word, he literally said "yes."  But I simply cannot believe it is doing nothing.  So many runners I know take glucosamine and swear by it.  Are they all wrong?

Today I need to complete a 2-3 mile run RPE-L.  So basicically, a slow 2-3 miles.  Depending on the weather I may go to the gym and save my outdoor runs for the weekend.  I also need to continue to focus on stretching.  Apparently my leg muscles are extremely tight (according to my doctor).

One thing I must say - crossing out day one on my training calendar fet really good.  Can't wait to cross off day 2!

Let the Training Begin!

Tomorrow morning, it begins.  My 26-week marathon training program.  After 3 test runs in my knee brace, I am confident that I will be able to train and complete the Buffalo Marathon on May 26th.  The only real problem I am having is that my knee hurts whenever I am not wearing the brace.  This is fine, since I have no intention of running at work or in high heels, but it hurts nonetheless.

In terms of training and racing, I am a bit concerned about my orthopedic surgeon's opinion about my running shoes.  Right now I'm using the Brooks Launch (actually, they're being discontinued - but I can still buy them on the Brooks website).

For about 14 years I have been running in neutral shoes with custom made orthotics.  I started this after numerous injuries in high school (namely, stress fractures in my left shin).  After beginning this practice, generally speaking, I've remained uninjured until this knee problem started in 2009.  (It's speculated that I may now have arthritis and cartilage damage - we just don't know since I cannot have an MRI).  Running 40+ miles a week used piece of cake in neutral, lightweight training shoes throughout my early to mid 20's.  As long as I had my orthotics in, I was fine.

My new orthopedic surgeon wants me to buy a more "cushiony" shoe with a lot of stability and ditch the orthotics.  I am very reluctant to do this.  I've been down this road before - and I do not want to do it again.  I tried to tell him this but he was kind of in and out of the office.  It's not that he didn't care, I just think he was busy.  I've got an amazing knee brace and some good advice about cross-training and weight-lifting.  Why try to fix the one thing that isn't broken?

I'm not seeing him again until February 1st, and I DO need new shoes.  What should I do in terms of this new running shoe philosophy?  I intend to go on the Brooks website and buy another pair of the Launch before they're all gone, but I will still need a "good, stable shoe" for the mileage I intend to put in by the spring (back to 40+ mile weeks).

I'm trying not to worry about it, but it's a big change!  Oh well, wish me luck!

Gratitude and Appreciaton

Gratitude is a topic covered in the GOTR curriculum.  It is perhaps one of the most important topics we cover.  In fact, the chapter in the book is called Gratitude is an Attitude.

Today, we celebrated Thanksgiving, which generally means eating turkey, spending time with family, watching football and hopefully recognizing things which we are thankful for in our lives.  But I pose this question - why do we need to take a day off from work and make it a holiday to do this?  Why don't people do this every day?

Gratitude is, in actuality, an attitude.  In psychology, there is a practice called "mindfulness."  It's about being in the present and recognizing the good things around us, as trivial as they might seem.  Right now I'm looking down at my funky, hot pink, plastic ring with googly-eyes on my finger.  It makes me smile because it's a reflection of my personality.  Despite the responsibilities of adulthood (mortgage, bills, career, family commitments, etc.) this little piece of plastic jewelry is a reminder that I can be a child at heart regardless of the circumstances surrounding me.

There are people who practice mindfulness every single day!  These people keep personal gratitude journals.  At the end of the day, they write down three things they are grateful for.  Guess what studies show about these people.  That's right, they are generally happier people!

So, this Thanksgiving, I'm going to share three things I'm grateful for right now!

1. My passion for running and how it's shaped me as a person and has helped me to shape others as well.
2. Being alive in an age and in a society where advanced technology has been able to treat a debilitating neurological disorder I suffer from.
3. That funky hot pink ring I'm wearing right now! (Even if my mom and sister think an almost 30-year-old wearing something like this is ridiculous - and yes, I'm thankful for their concern as well).

So, basically, for anyone reading this (if anyone does) - challenge yourself!  There is ALWAYS something to be grateful for or thankful for in life...  every single day.  I challenge you to be mindful of all those little things every day... even if it seems like it's the worst day of your life.  You will become a happier, healthier, better person.  I promise!

A Beautiful Evening Workout!

Endomondo Running Workout: Check it out!  I was running 4.35 miles in 35m:03s.

Technically my marathon training has not yet begun, but now that I'm over my cold/flu, I had to get out on the road.  I got home from work and put on my new orthopedic-prescribed knee brace. It was 54 degrees and sunny - a beautiful November afternoon.

I am thrilled about the knee brace.  It provides a ton of stability, holding my kneecap into place, preventing further cartilage damage and the arthritis was not an issue tonight.

I'm terribly out of shape.  I held a pretty steady pace but it's not indicative of my true capabilities.

I've read that the two biggest mistakes that people new to marathon training do is either overtrain or undertrain.   The workout above is actually WAY too much for a marathon that's over 6 months away, but technically I am not starting my real training for another week. I'll have to cut back a lot on my mileage or I will burn out well before the end of May.

Can't wait to start!

Moving Forward by Staying Still

I really am bummed when Nate has to work on the weekends, but this time (for me) it just may be for the better.  Despite the fact that I have been told several times that I just do not slow down and take a breather, with Nate at work and me being sick, I'm giving in and not feeling guilty.  Nate always tells me to slow down, and I never listen.  Now, my body is finally telling me to stop.  I am listening.  The harder try to push myself, the more tired I get.  I will not be out training as long as I am sick... so I just need to stop.

Canned chicken noodle soup never tasted so good!

Admittedly, I am an exhausting person.  I am always on the move.  I talk a lot.  My husband tells me that I never relax, and I guess it's true.  I enjoy projects, housework, shopping and of course anything having to do with running.  Then there's the fact that I am neurotic, which stresses everyone around me out.  Life isn't perfect, I don't know where things are, and that pile of laundry can wait.  I must be losing my mind,  But every time I stand up, it's like... "woah..."

I stopped at Tim Horton's this morning and chatted with Dan Green; one of the regulars there.  He's in the same line of work as Nate, but works for the Amherst Police Department.  He talks about as much as me.  After spending close to two hours solving the world's problems over coffee, I headed to my parent's house to show my dad the new wheels.  My mom got a nice shot of me sporting my 8th grade soccer sweats and my Niagara University hoodie.  Despite my attire, I still feel pretty cool with the new car. :-)

Me and my 2013 Hyundai Elantra

Well, my husband just called me and I barely squeaked out a "hello."  At this point, a nap would probably do me some good.  The sooner I recover, the sooner I'll be able to get back to my training.

Moving along despite obstacles...

If there's anything that running as well as being chronically ill has taught me, it's to roll with the punches.  It all started last Thursday while at work.  Maybe even before that.  I've been so busy I've barely had time to breathe.  Okay, we'll say it started with Hurricane Sandy leaving our office's main server under water. Lord only know why Buffalo's server is in Staten Island.  Thankfully, I was able to get some work done at home by remotely connecting to a server in California.  Teleworking.  I never cared for the practice, but it was a forced trial and I actually kind of liked it.

Last Wednesday I was without a car.  It was leaking transmission fluid, so I worked from home again.  I was sort of in a panic because I needed transportation to my Girls on the Run practice.  I was going to throw a "Good Luck" party for the girls the last session before the race.  I didn't have my car back, so my mom had to pick me up and drop me off at the school with awards, cookie cake, fruit, and apple cider.  The party was a lot of fun and I think the girls really appreciated it.

On Thursday I was finally back at the office.  With about an hour to go, I suddenly felt like I was going to pass out.  My throat started to hurt.  I barely made it to the end of the day.  Nate picked me up at UB South Campus Station.  I knew without a doubt I was sick, and screwed.

I had an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon  on Friday at 8 a.m.  Then shopping to do for the Niagara University President's Ball.  Did I mention that by this point I knew I needed a new car?  Between Thursday and Friday I pumped myself with all sorts of cold/flu remedies, medications and supplements.  It was nuts.   I think the best news I got on Friday was that I had arthritis in my knee, but would be okay to run the Buffalo Marathon in May.

Saturday was race day for the girls and then off  to the Seneca Niagara Casino for the Ball.  Perhaps it was my being overly optimistic, or perhaps sheer stupidity... I honestly thought my cold was gone.  I was in Tonawanda for the race at 8:45 and got home around 1:00.  I took a short nap.  Nate woke me up at 1:30 and said we should leave around 3 to be at the casino by 4:00.  Okay, well, in my mind I was no longer sick.  The picture below does not depict the glass of Pino Noir the size of my head, followed by a whiskey sour I consumed.  Other than the fact that I'm sticking my head out like a giraffe, this is a pretty good picture of us!

Niagara University President's Ball 2012

I was informed after my beverage choices, that I probably shouldn't have anything else to drink.  Hindsight is always 20/20.  I actually shouldn't have had anything to drink, period.  My cold/flu was not gone.  In fact, it was so much worse the next morning.  We were supposed to meet Nate's boss and his wife for breakfast, but I felt like a train wreck.  We went straight home, and I slept all day.  Thankfully I had off for Veteran's Day, but it wasn't enough recovery time.  I bit the bullet and went to work through Thursday, but the reality sank in about my poor car.  I had to get a new one immediately.

Wednesday evening Nate took me out to look for a new car. He was exhausted and I was still sick... but we did it.  Last night, I took home a beautiful 3013 Hyundai Elantra.  We got home just in time for the Bills game.  I took some Theraflu and went to bed.  

My new car

 I woke up this morning with absolutely no voice.  In fact, the harder I try to talk, the more I can't!  I wasn't entirely sure what the car situation would be, so I was all set up to Telework.  I had to make a few phone calls.  All answered with the same response, "Nicole???  Don't talk!"  And my favorite, "You sound like Mickey Mouse." I called it quits at 2:30 and went to pick up my knee brace.  Now, despite the fact that I called yesterday to inquire about picking it up today, the office was closed.

I'm sure there's a lesson in all this rambling.  Maybe it's simply that life keeps moving forward whether you want it to or not.  Perhaps it's don't confuse masking cold symptoms with actually being better.  I guess in reality, I believe it's the realization that people can be more capable than they think they are when executing major commitments is a necessity, even if life seems to be working against us.  And most importantly, we all need to express gratitude to those who help us along the way.

Athlete Of The Week: Mt. Tabor's Kayla Montgomery

This story brings me to tears.  It truly demonstrates how the power of positive thinking and being a runner go hand in hand.  Go Kayla!

The end of the season...

Well, my first season as head coach at Mill Middle school just came to an end.  I cannot believe that I did not have time to write.  I absolutely loved coaching this group of girls, but working full time and having a neurological disorder on top of coaching GOTR is absolutely exhausting.  My place is a mess.  I haven’t gone grocery shopping in over a month, and now I have the flu.

I was blessed to finally get a GREAT assistant coach who was dedicated enough to split her time between being an attorney and helping me out.  She was in between jobs when she first came on board with me, but remained committed to assisting despite landing a job just a few weeks into the season.  I truly appreciate that kind of dedication in a person, and there are not many people who are like that.

I didn’t want her to stress over her new job, so I really did all of the lesson planning and didn’t ask much of her other than just showing up.  Showing up is about 85% of the battle as long as at least one coach has read over the lesson.  The other thing that was cool was I no longer felt like the “bad guy” when I had to sometimes yell at the girls, because my assistant raised her voice a few times too. 

Many of these girls were… wild… I loved them all but the quiet little girls who were just starting middle school quickly turned into giggling, silly kids who liked to talk over me.  Horseplay was a huge issue – but we did our best to put a stop to it.  “Coach Nicole!  She hit me!”  “Coach Nicole, she started it!”  The one day I lost it when we were running laps and I saw a couple of girls pushing and shoving each other while they ran.  “Hey!  Knock it off!  If you do that during the race they’ll throw you off the course.”

At the end of each lesson, though, there was a sense of accomplishment.  If the girls didn’t like to run, they at least liked the lessons.  Sometimes they liked them too much!  There were days when the girls ALL had stories to tell about something relating to the lesson… and sometimes I had to cut them off if they wanted to tell an entire story line of a movie that they thought was relevant to the topic… with only 90 minutes, you know, you’ve gotta let them know that it’s great that they all want to share, but we have to keep moving forward with the lesson if we want to run.

Yesterday, every girl crossed the finish line.  A couple of the girls had run 5ks before, but the girls who hadn’t  all had different reactions ranging from “it was okay” to “that was awesome!”  One girl was basically speechless and out of breath… her whole family was there to greet her at the finish line.  She didn’t look happy but I’m pretty sure that was how I looked the first time I ever finished a race.  In fact, I think that’s my normal reaction, even after I know I’ve placed.  So the chaos is now over.

At our last practice I told the girls that I was not going to return for the spring season, but perhaps for the fall.  I told them it was a lot to work full time and to do this (not to mention being disabled).  Two girls indicated that they would not do this again if I was not going to coach.  It kind of broke my heart.  I must be pretty good at this… and I’d hate to give up something that I am good at.

I have a lot of thinking to do.  I found out that I likely have arthritis in my knee.  Since I cannot have an MRI, there's a lot of speculation regarding cartilage damage.  I told my orthopedic surgeon that one dream of mine in life was to finish a marathon and that the Buffalo Marathon was on May 26^th.   I also indicated that I was afraid that if I didn’t run the marathon this year, I didn’t think it would happen due to the way my dystonia is progressing.  He told me he would help me make it happen.  So, let the marathon training begin!  (after I get over the flu).

So Tired

I need to get my act together and just wake up.  I am a night owl.  I don't know why, and I know it's not normal, but I drag all day long and around 8:00 every night, I start to wake up.  My dystonia calms down.  I itch to go to the gym, but it's time for bed.  I'm not tired.

My husband worked nights for 7 years and always says to me "you just don't know how hard it is until you have to do it."  You know, I believe tht's true for him, but what's wrong with me?

I remember in college I deliberately took 3-hour long night classes because I knew most of the instructors would be adjuncts, grad students, or assistants who would want to get through those 3 hours as quickly as possible, go home, and go to sleep.  I would go to class, grab a mocha from Starbucks, and stay up all night reading. Four or Five AM would be bedtime.  I'd sleep for a few hours and go running.  I felt great!  Even battling a rare neurological disease, I was able to juggle quite a bit.

The working world is much more like high school, except my head needs to be in the game during the day.  I have to be aware of what I'm doing and be able to think straight.  I drink cup after cup of coffee during the day, but it doesn't help much.  In high school, many times I'd have to be there by 7:00, but I'd drift off during class.  Good thing I was smart and that I also had an extremely intelligent dad who helped me cram for tests late at night.  Now, years later... it's just.. during the day.. "I'm so sorry... I can't think straight... so tired... can I sleep on it and let you know tomorrow?"

Can my mood change my sleep patterns?  Who knows.  I don't love my job, but I love the work environment.  When I became disabled, my neurologist told me my law enforcement dreams... well... they wouldn't come true.  I had to have a "desk job" that "wouldn't require fine motor skills."  I thought I was going to die...  When I'm "with it", I'm pretty sharp.  I can retain information and be creative.  During the day, I'm a zombie on caffiene.

I do not know what's going to happen with GOTR at Mill this year.  Registration opened a week ago and we only have 4 girls signed up.  I've been so psyched to coach for at least one more season.  This may not become a reality.  The girls give me a reason to run.  They give me a reason to be a better person by preparing lessons and making them even better than the book we have.  Giving the gift of running, either directly or indirectly) to people I've known in my life (friends, family, GOTR girls, or whoever) has always made me happy.  Sometimes, people I didn't even know that well would come up to me, smiling ear to ear telling me how many miles they ran over the weekend.

I was at a wake on Monday evening.  A neighbor from my childhood, Mr. Smith, passed away.  It had been a while since I'd the family, so most of their immediate family was shocked and surprised. The last time I'd seen most of them I was only 10 years old.  One family member I never forgot though.  Ronnie.  Ronnie became a police officer when I was a little girl.  He's a detective now.  I'd seen him in recent years anyway.  Back in my ice cream scooping days, he'd frequently come into the restaurant I worked at to order lunch.  One time, before placing his order, he said to me, "I see you running all over the damn place!"  What could I say?  Ronnie didn't need to be introduced to me -- As soon as I could cut into the cops paying their respect and chatting with Ron, he stepped aside, gave me a big hug, thanked me for coming, etc., etc..... and then he asked the question so many people ask me, "Are you still running?"  He reminded me of how he used to see me out running all the time while he was on patrol.  I gave him the same old story... bad knees, tired, I do a little here and there.  But at the same time I knew I was lying to myself.  I can get better.  It's 9:30 at night and I want to throw on my running shoes... but... it's 9:30 at night... *sigh*

Running for Me & GOTR anxiety

Endomondo Running Workout: was out running 3.18 miles in 28m:48s using Endomondo.

I have been my own worst enemy lately.  I have not been working out at all.  I have a gym membership, a stationary bike in our apartment, and obviously the ability to run.  However, I've come up with every excuse in the book to avoid running.  Yes, I do have a knee injury, but I can overcome that.  I ran one race last month - my wort road 5k time since I began running road races.

Somehow, I am not gaining weight.  We order or go out to eat quite a bit... I guess I just am careful about what I eat during the week.  We went out to Tim Horton's today - we do every weekend. I made a conscious effort to have a Special K bar before we walked to get our breakfast instead of ordering a donut or bagel; just ordering myself a coffee. 

I've been feeling extremely wound up and tense lately for no particular reason.  Not to mention antsy.  I decided to take advantage of the nice weather and go for a short run.  Wow I did horrible, but wow did it feel good!!!  I had forgotten how running on a regular basis made me feel and I just have to get back into it.  I feel so much better and that antsy feeling is gone.

Next Friday the preliminary roster for my GOTR team will be e-mailed to me.  I am kind of nervous.  Nate and I targeted about 80 houses that we believed had girls from the school at and we stuck ribbon-tied fliers in doors. Between the photocopying, the ribbon tying, and the delivering, it took about 8 hours to complete this task.  All I know is that right now, our school it not filled.  If we do not have a full team by the end of next week, I might throw in the towel.  I don't think GOTR is considered "cool" by Middle School  standards.  I think up to 6th grade, it's ok, but 7th and 8th graders are more interested in playing real sports, guys, and just "hanging out."  I guess that's kind of the point of Girls on Track, to spend twice a week for 3 months discussing these things while running/walking/jogging, but sometimes I forget that pre-teens aren't necessarily going to chat about guys/parties/drugs with a 29-year-old coach.  It's a tough age, and I respect that.   Heck, I remember the parties, the guys, the drugs/alcohol and even the sexually active 12-year-olds in Middle School.  It was something you didn't dare debate with a girl who was into that kind of thing... and if you ended up at a party where smoking and drinking was going on -- even if you weren't doing it -- it was so uncool to tell a parent.

Well, I am a half-glass-full kind of girl, so I'm going to keep my chin up.  This may be the last season I will be able to do depending on how my surgery to replace my IPGs this winter goes.  I feel my dystonia getting worse, and knowing my batteries will need to be changed for the first time is kind of scary.  I hate going under the knife!

Well, time to shower and get some housework done.

Peace out! :-)

A New GOTR Season

Well, last season I barely made it.  But we did it.  All 9 of our girls completed the 5k.  Two for the first time ever.  Despite the challenges I faced, I know the girls enjoyed it in the end.  I loved every moment of knowing I played a huge part in having a sucessful program last spring.  Knowing I helped better the girls was even more rewarding!!

Now, Fall registration opens in less than 2 weeks.  Our Council does not have the time or manpower to help us advertise in Williamsville.   All of the girls from last year will be playing modified of JV high school sports, so I am relying on new members. The district board still finds GOTR problematic for reasons unfathomable to me, so it's understand with 60+ other schools in WNY, the council just doesn't have time right now to help our teams in the district with this uphill battle.  We'll get there, though!

I am officially the head coach at Mill Middle now.  I am taking things into my own hands and making the program at Mill Middle "my own."  I decided to go with the Girls on Track curriculum again; however, I still have extensive notes from the GOTR program (like no-nonsense Nelly lesson). I am going to do a little bit of lesson swapping where I feel necessary. 

I am also going to go door-to-door with flyers.  I am going to mail to libraries and recreation centers.  It's a huge district, but I am going stand strong for a great program that I truly believe in.

As someone who wanted to be a cop, I believe in structure and discipline.  Since becoming ill 10 years ago, much of my life has been in disarray, but my passion for GOTR has instilled a desire to be a better and more organized person... not for me, but for the girls!

Here we go again!  Season 3, year 2 is going to be the best ever! :-)

Ew. Seriously? So Gross!

As promised, a much needed update about our Girls on Track lesson about eating disorders.  As luck would have it, our unpredictable Buffalo weather called for snow.  And it snowed that last week of April - and on a practice day.  And then freezing rain.  And even a little hail.  Great, right?

I took 4 hours leave from work to re-plan the lesson.  I didn’t want the girls to run outside, slip and fall. Mostly, I didn’t want parents complaining. By the time I got to the middle school, lugging a dry erase board to the front of the school while the hard freezing rain hit my skin was the challenge of the day.  School wasn’t out yet, so I wasn’t allowed inside.  Again, wonderful.   

If you watch TV, you will recognize the subject of this post from the infamous Geico commercial.  A gentleman wants to shed a few pounds, but doesn’t want to pay for a personal trainer, gym membership, or a legitimate diet plan. So decides to hire three local middle school girls and instead pay them to follow him around to bully him every time he wants to eat something unhealthy – be it fast food or the Belgian waffle he’s about to dig into at a little diner.

As luck would have it, someone wrote a great article online about this commercial and how it is wrong on so many different levels.  It discusses bullying and harassing and the stigma tied with middle school girls and unhealthy dieting habits.  The worst part is that Geico recognizes this “mean girl” stigma and condones it by making it into a commercial that we all laugh at.  Admittedly, I thought this commercial was funny too!  But when you really think about it, is it a good thing that Geico is condoning middle school “mean girl” bullying about anyone being fat?  Of course not!  So, I printed the article out and we discussed the commercial and why it was wrong.  Now, these girls are sharp and said things like, “I’d charge more than a gym membership to follow a guy around!”  But they got the drift.

I also printed out some general information about anorexia and bulimia from a Government website and distributed it to the girls.  We didn’t go over it as I went with the book’s definition, but I thought it was important for girls this age to bring something home with them so they’d remember the lesson.

One girl got teary-eyed as she told a story about a friend of hers prior to middle school who had anorexia.  Her friend’s mom was anorexic, and being an anorexic mom, she fed her daughter very little. The tears were from knowing this fact, but not knowing enough to tell an adult.  As a result of malnourishment, the little girl passed away.  Everyone was silent and you know, what can you say?  “You were little.  You didn’t know.  It’s not your fault”   

It was a long, emotional lesson for the girls, and they were a bit antsy since they were in school all day, but we sat and talked.  The girls asked questions that were tough to answer.  The worst was, “How do you make yourself throw up?”  I couldn’t handle that, and just looked at Jeri, who said… “Well, it’s really hard to unless you just eat too much.  You really have to just eat so much that your stomach can’t handle it.”

We had about 20 minutes left and the girls got more and more antsy, begging me to run.  “Girls, it’s cold out.”  15 minutes left.  We hadn’t even finished the lesson, let alone warm up or stretch. 

I gave in.  Some of the girls ran one lap, decided it was too cold and went inside, and others hovered with me under the umbrella.  Some girls ran two.  Coach Jeri made the call that this wasn’t a good idea, and we needed to get inside. Just enough time to have the girls grab their stuff and meet their rides.

The lesson went well, but as for the weather: “Ew. Seriously?”

Of course, yesterday 70s and humid!  Half the team forgot their water bottles.  Go figure.

GOTR > GOT

I am going to say flat out that I do not like the Girls on Track curriculum.  The lesson book is not put together well at all.  The "Girls on the Run" lesson book, which is actually meant for elementary school students, is much more thorough and well thought through.

I think the problem is that nationally, there are more GOTR programs than GOT programs.  So I'm guessing not as much time and effort was put into creating lessons that are age appropriate for Middle School Students.  On one level, it's meant for a higher level of thinking in that each lesson is highly dependent on knowing the material from the previous lesson.  But still, they compensate by making the material where it’s more age appropriate for a 5-year-old…

The games are kind of confusing and I dunno, babyish? 

I explained one of the warm up activities to two of my co-workers, (a 26 woman and a 31-year-old man) and they were like, "huh?"  So I thought, "Alright, I have to tweak this to make it something that will work and that the girls will enjoy."  The lesson had to do with food groups and creating a dinner menu.  I know in GOTR we had a food group lesson, and it made sense.  The GOT warm-up would have been babyish and confusing to the girls at the same time... so I seriously changed up our warm-up activity.  Actually, I was proud of myself because the girls really seemed to enjoy it.  The problem is, I seem to have to do this with most of the lessons, and it isn't always easy.

For example, in one warm-up, when each girl ran to the coach, the head coach was supposed to give each girl a big "virtual hug" to represent a family member/loved on who cared about them.  I was seriously weirded out by this, and I knew the girls would be too.  So instead, I came up with loving things a parent/loved one might do for a middle school girl and wrote them on index cards, and handed one to each girl.  Stuff like:

"Takes me to the movies", "Believes in me even when I do not believe in myself", "Drives me to all my activities", "Helps me with my homework", "Makes me my favorite dessert on my birthday", "Takes me out shopping for new clothes for school" ... you get the drift. 

The assistant coach was to represent a friend with a simple "high five."  We thought this was appropriate for the lesson.  The girls thought that was totally lame. "Coach Jeri made us give her and each other high fives!"  So dumb.

In general, the topics are slightly more mature, though there is some slight overlap from GOTR.   And, as I stated before, they rely on knowing material from the previous lesson.

So, yesterday, I had a heart to heart with the girls.  "Do you think some of this is kind of babyish?"  A chorus of sarcastic "Noooo's" filled the hallway.  We talked about the things the girls didn't like about GoT vs. GotR and why.  I told them my two cents about what I liked - about lessons building each week and connecting to each other.  The girls whined a bit about that being difficult in comparison to GotR, where each lesson pretty much stood alone.  One girl asked, "Is that a different book?"  I told her it was.  Another girl said she thought we would be doing the same things as in the fall. 

So we came to a compromise.  I told them I was going to just take notes from the book, and rely on my notes to facilitate the lesson.  I wasn't going to read verbatim as the program requires.  I just said, "Wouldn't it be better if was just sat and talked about this stuff instead of me just reading it out of a book, because this just isn’t me?"  They all agreed.  Then we had a very sensitive lesson...

Empowered Bodies.  We had to talk about eating disorders.  More to come on this....

A Beautiful Holy Saturday

Endomondo Running Workout: was out running 11.35 miles in 1h:38m:52s using Endomondo.

I must say that I have the most wonderful husband in the world!  Today he accompanied me on another bike path run.  This time we did it right and didn't turn off the path.  From our house, we logged over 11 miles.  Of course, I was running and he was on his bike beside me.  I'd like to get to a comfortable pace where I can actually chat with him when we do this. 

My Garmin workout stats indicate that I should probably be starting out at a little bit slower pace per mile for these longer runs... like 25 seconds per mile.  I ran my first mile the fatest and I hit a wall around mile 9 and stayed at that pace/slower for the remainder of the run.

The weirdest thing around 10 miles...  I wanted nothing more than chocolate peanut butter ice cream toward the end of the run.  More than water, more than Gatorade, or even fruit.  We walked to 7-11 after dropping Nate's bike off and we both grabbed Gatorade... but I grabbed a pint of Edy's Chocolate peanut butter chunk ice cream and Nate grabbed a hockey magazine.

I couldn't have asked for a more beautiful day!

A run that saved my weekend

This past weekend was not so good in terms of my health.  Most of Saturday was spent lying on the couch, bed or floor. Or just sleeping... and crying.  This is never what I wanted with my life, but no one ever asks for a chronic illness. 

On Saturday I kind of looked like a sick dog in its final days, walking in circles.  The muscles in the right side of my neck cranked my head so viciously to the side that standing upright and walking was just too much effort.  While Nate went out to grab a sandwich for lunch, I called my mom.  "I don't know what to do... it's too much..."  We discussed disability.  I know as a Fed there are retirement options available once I hit 5 years, but I'm not quite at that point, and I'd feel like a failure as a productive person in society.  Sticking it out as long as I can, trying the best that I can is all I can do.

Saturday night I took Artane, a very strong Parkinson's disease medication.  It helped me sleep, but sure enough, the rigidity in my neck came back early Sunday afternoon.  I just wallowed in self-pity and complained to my husband, "I don't want to live like this."  I didn't get the laundry done.  I didn't get my Easter decorations out.  I had to send Nate out for the grocery shopping.  Failure as a wife, a friend, a daughter, an employee... and as much as I tried to snap out of it, I just couldn't.

Nate asked me before he went shopping, "Is there ANYTHING I can do to make you feel better?"  Then something inside me... this warm feeling flooded my body as I came up with a fantastic idea.  "Nate, will you bike alongside me while I run?  We can run the UB bike path!"  (Nate says I am not allowed to run this alone, as there are wooded areas and a lot of bad people out there.  It's where the infamous bike bath rapist preyed upon some of his victims.)

When Nate got home, I had never been so happy to help put groceries away!  I threw my running clothes on, and Nate got his bike out, filling the tires with air.  We made our way to the bikepath, and somewhere around 4 miles, made a wrong turn off of the path.  Oops!  But I just felt so great, trotting along with my husband riding next to me. 

"Nicole, I think we need to turn around."

"I don't turn around!"

We made it to the University at Buffalo campus and I told him we'd circle the campus, and make our way back onto the bike path, which would lead us back home.  So, we strayed from the plan, but in the end, I got a nice 7 mile run out of it.  Even better, Nate said had a really nice time biking next to me.  He said he just couldn't believe I could run that distance.  I just said to him, "It's really not a big deal... it's just running!"

The rest of the evening I felt better.  No, my symptoms did not go away, but the endorphins flowing through my body outweighed any negative feelings I had been experiencing as a result of my disease.  I was happy.

A famous quote came to my mind during that run. It pertains not just to running and getting lost, but to life:

Endomondo Running Workout: was out running 7.01 miles in 58m:55s using Endomondo.

We've Got a Team!

Girls on Track is going to happen at Mill Middle!  We've lost a few girls, but gained two new members to our roster.  We have a team of 9.

Our first practice will take place next Wednesday.  I am extremely nervous.   I'm the type of girl who you'd want to captain a team, not coach it.  But I really try.

I'm also completely Type-A.  I don't demand perfection from the girls, but need to make sure I do everything in my power so the girls get the most our of the program.  I would type up cheat sheets to abbreviate the lessons and draw diagrams to make the set-ups "perfect."  I know my obsession with perfection in everything I am passionate about makes it difficult for me to work with, but I don't know how to change myself.  If only I could channel myself that way in my "career."

Reading through the first lesson, it looks like the Girls on Track curriculum is a lot different from the GotR one.  Our Program Directors advised us to do GotR for middle school in the fall, stating that it wasn't too babyish for Middle Schoolers.  After going through that curriculum, most of it didn't seem bad at all.  In fact, I think I like a lot of it better than "Girls on Track."  Even the single 8th grader on the team was really into it.

One thing I also noticed is that we don't pick positive names for ourselves on day one with GOT.  Instead, we all have to come up with a noise or gesture (or both) that people will remember us by.  I can't for the life of me come up with anything for myself.  Coach Michele has to miss the first day (she'll be out of the country), and I wish I had her input.  We have a fill-in to assist me, and she is awesome, but I may need to make a judgment call about whether the sound/motion activity in lieu of the positive names is going to turn girls off to the GoT.  Maybe we could do both.

On the other hand, the girls NEVER failed to amaze me last season.  They may TOTALLY go for lesson one and LOVE making sounds and motions to remember them by.  I dunno, when I was 11 or 12 years old, I really would have totally been turned off by this.  I probably would have folded my arms, frowned and growled... but hey, I was always serious, even as a kid.

More good news is that my boss is letting me take last minute Annual Leave in case I oversleep.  I have a flex schedule and while I could pull off getting to work a 6 and leaving at 2:30 in the fall, I need to sleep off one of my new medications in order to be able to drive in safely.  I love the perks of my job.

Well... looking forward to a great season! :-)

St. Patrick's Day Weekend & Why Everyone Should Run With a Cell Phone

Novak-Oliver St. Patrick's Day Fun!

Front and center, sporting my Checkers AC jacket at The Irishman.

Left to right: Emily, Dad, Nicole, Nate, Mom

So, I had a long weekend.  Not as in the neverending weekend, but I took two hours off from work to see my neurologist Thursday afternoon.  It was time for a round of Botox injections in my neck and back, a routine I've become acclimated to over the past several years.  Then I took 8 hours of leave on Friday to do some "spring cleaning."  That ended up being a "holy-crap-get-the -house-clean." day.  We impulsively decided to have a friend in town from Long Island over Friday evening, and to top it off, Nate had to work an 11 hour day.  Friday was beautiful, warm and sunny, so it was tough to keep focused on cleaning.  In the end, we had a lovely evening filled with conversation over a fish fry dinner.

Saturday, the obvious was going to occur.  Nate and I were invited over to my parent's house for a corned beef and cabbage dinner.  Yum!  We also scrambled to get a one month late belated birthday gift for my little sister who was home from college. It had to be thoughtful and meaningful.  Then it hit me while we were at the mall.  I'd made her a charm bracelet.  It turned out really cool and I must say as a last minute gift I was VERY proud of myself.  Nate got her a case of Guinness.  So, we arrived for the Irish dinner bearing gifts to celebrate a life of 21 years and 30 days!  She appreciated it all.  I was so nervous about the bracelet, and didn't know if she'd even like Guinness, but  clinging to the box of Guinness, Emily sternly told my dad that she wasn't sharing her birthday gift.  Clueless, my dad assumed she was talking about the bracelet...  was all had a laugh over that...

One thing I wasn't going to do was arrive for dinner on St. Patrick's day without getting a run in first!  Can you believe it was in the 70s and sunny?  I was disappointed in my pace for my 8.5 mile run.  I did the route that goes through the neighborhoods I'd lived in.  Around mile 6, my legs not holding up so well, I ran down the street where I'd heard the girls I coached yelling out to me last week.  One of them was out passing a football around with some boys.  She waved to me, and at a slower pace I recognized her this time - one of the girls who is not returning this spring.   I didn't stop, but made a point of waving back and saying hi to her by name.  The girl could run like the wind.  She wasn't the first to finish the 5k this past fall for Mill, but I remember telling her in confidence that she reminded me of my co-captain of my high school cross country team, and that if she worked a bit on her pacing she was going to be a great distance runner.  I remember her response, "but I like sprinting." In GOTR, all of that is cool as long as you're moving forward.  So, what can you do but respond, "well... sprinting... that's great." 

So, my St. Patrick's Day run is here:

Endomondo Running Workout: was out running 8.50 miles in 1h:14m:22s using Endomondo

After the dinner and belated birthday gifts, the family headed up to The Irishman where I downed my second Guinness of the evening.  A Sabres game was being broadcast in the bar during the partying, so it was a bit chaotic as some of us were trying to look in as the game ended in a shoot-out.  Buffalo losing to the Florida Panthers.  Not really being a party-people, Nate and I headed out as soon as this little girl finished her second beer of the night.  Being the lightweight that I am, two is more than enough for me.

Today I learned the importance of running with a cell phone.  I'm not sure if it was because of the evening at the Irishman, or just overdoing it, or what, but I burned out a little over 6 miles into my run.  My legs just wouldn't move.  I was near my parent's house but was kind of embarrassed.  Knowing Nate would worry if it got to be much over an hour, I pulled out my cell phone from a tiny pouch I bought from a running shop.  I called and asked him, "Natey, I burned out... I have nothing left... can you pick me up?"  He asked where I was and picked me up not far from my old house.  I had not had anything like that happen to me in years.  I didn't even make it 7 miles and my legs just would not move.  "C'mon, let's stop and get you some Gatorade."  I turned my Garmin off and he drove me to 7-11... chugging that Gatorade never felt so good!  My parents used to get on my case about not running with a cell phone when I was in my early 20s... now I know how handy it can be.  A thoughtful husband isn't a bad deal either!  :-)

Endomondo Running Workout: was out running 6.81 miles in 1h:03m:45s using Endomondo.

Well, back to work tomorrow.  The roads defeated me today but I gave it my all... and it was the best I could do... and that's okay. :-)       

GOTR Returning Coaches Meeting

Tonight was our returning coaches meeting for GOTR. I picked up our bin for Mill Middle and our "Girls on Track" books. My Nate drove me since I have driving anxiety. I felt kind of bad that he was the lone dude in a room filled with women. He said he didn't feel awkward though - he was used to it from being an Elementary Education major. Michele had stay home and off of her feet - she likely has a stress fracture in her foot, with a marathon only 2 weeks away. Guess things aren't looking so good in terms of running in it. After months of training, that has to be a bummer.

It was interesting to see the statistics from the surveyed schools in Buffalo. Apparently we did better than the national average. The girls who took part in GOTR this past fall in Buffalo had a substantially better self-image and better outlook on life and the way they felt about themselves. It was great knowing I was able to be a part of this :-)

I really hoped that the program directors would have good news for us in terms of registration, but as of today, we officially have only 5 girls signed up. Michele has not registered her daughter (so really 6 girls). Apparently a mother saw an advertisement at Erie Community College and called to inquire about GOTR, asking if it was at Mill Middle. So, that's potentially 7 girls?

We technically have until March 30th, so I'm trying to keep the faith. A couple of girls from the fall are definitely out... which is a bummer, but that's how it goes. I know GOTR is not just about running, but the one girl who is not returning has so much potential and I see her being a stellar athlete and distance runner... it makes me wonder if I did something wrong. I dunno, maybe it's just not her cup of tea or she plays another sport. Or there's a conflict. *think positive thoughts, Nicole*

I have been looking forward to Girls on Track all winter. I mean, I've been SUPER excited, thinking about all of the cool activities we can do... or how we can shake up some of the activities just a little bit to make them a little more "real." Honestly, middle schoolers these days are into things worse than smoking, for example. Shoplifting, hardcore drugs, breaking into parents liquor cabinets, going to high school parties. There's some bad stuff out there and I am so excited to help girls understand that there's so much more to life than all that.

I've also been doing Google searches for my favorite running quotes. I mean, sticking the quotes on 3x5 cards and sifting them in with their positive word cards. The surprise running quotes threw the girls for a loop last fall and I could tell they loved it -- some of the girls reading them off as their favorite cards they received as they ran their laps.

I've also been thinking of a new name... Nutty Nicole doesn't seem to fit me...

Well, Nate sent a bunch of Facebook friends who might know people a link to the GOTR Buffalo site, and asked them to pass it along to anyone who might be interested. Still keeping the faith with only a couple of weeks to go...

Running Down Memory Lane & into the Future

On Friday I sprained my ankle while racing 5 blocks to get to work.  I actually turned my ankle out, which lead me to believe I had a high ankle sprain.  I didn't hurt badly, but I knew from my years of playing soccer that if there was any ligament damage, I'd be in for a long recovery. 

Glucosamine. Iburofen.  Stretching.  Seemed ok today...

March is so unpredictable in Buffalo, NY.   It was snowing last week, but today was a beautiful, sunny (though windy), warm day.   Around 3:30 this afternoon I thought, "what the heck", strapped on my Garmin, and headed out for a run.  I had a route planed out in my head... a route I love because the roads traveled cover my early childhood in the neighborhood I lived in for the first decade of my life and wrap around to my parents current house where we moved to when I was in 6th grade. The start and finish is my current home... right in between the two neighborhoods, where my husband and I live. Approximately an 8 mile run filled with memories from the past.

I smile and wave to the people in that neighborhood from the first decade of my life, though I do not know who they are anymore.  The streets are the same, some of the houses look a bit different (especially the one I grew up in) and many of the people I knew are no longer there either, but I cannot help but feel like that 9-year-old fearless kid, the shy tomboy who loved hockey and getting dirty... excited that I would now be able to stay out later and play with friends since the time change would provide an extra hour of sunlight.

After I finished the winding roads of my earliest memories, I bolted onto a main road that would take me 4 miles away from that little neighborhood... to the neighborhood where I would attend middle school, high school, and continue to live in through college and a few years thereafter.  It's a little more upscale than the little neighborhood a grew up in, but it holds a special place in my heart.  So  many memories of joy and heartbreak as an adolescent, a teenager, and even an adult flooded my mind as I ran those roads today. 

The latter was the neighborhood where I took up running, got on the school bus, and had my heart broken more times than one.  It was the neighborhood where my dreams of law enforcement fell apart when I was diagnosed with dystonia, where I struggled to finish up college, and where I learned that I would not be defeated by my disease.  It was the house where my angel would pick my up for dates... where I eventually learned that the quote "no guy is worth your tears, and the one who is won't break your heart" was so very true.

As I ran through the neighborhood of my teenage years and where I'd enter into adulthood (though I am still a child at heart), I was about 6 miles into my run when I heard two voices call out to me, "Coach Nicole!  Coach Nicole!"  Not wearing my glasses, I couldn't see exactly who they were, but I turned around, waving and responding, "Hey!!  How's it going???" and I continued on my way.  I felt a surge of energy go through my body after the girls recognized me as their assistant Girls on the Run coach this past fall. I wondered if they'd be joining us again in the spring for Girls on Track.  I suddenly felt like, "hey, I made an impression... on these girls!"

I got to thinking about the spring.  Since Williamsville will not allow us to advertise on school grounds, I began to worry about how Girls on Track will pan out this spring... and what about next year?  Apparently we only have 6 girls registered at the Middle School.  There's still time left, and parents tend to procrastinate, but the group of 12 girls in the fall was such a huge success that the mere thought that we might need to cancel is extremely disappointing.  It'll work out... I hope... and if it doesn't, there's always the fall... the Williamsville Central School District will not scare me or stop me from believing in this program...  I know we'll have our full team... keepin' the faith...

Endomondo Running Workout: was out running 8.45 miles in 1h:09m:53s using Endomondo.

The "Biggest Loser" - ME?

Three months ago while at work, one of the girls in my office started a "Biggest Loser" competition that would last 12 weeks, costing a dollar a weigh-in.  A few people genuinely wanted to lose weight and get in shape, and others joined just for the heck of it.  Me? Well... I had nothing to lose but 12 dollars!

I figured this would be an excuse to get back into running and working out on a regular basis, as I'd let myself become a couch potato.  I have to admit, when I lost close to 20 lbs. after being diagnosed with generalized dystonia back in 2003, I liked my slender "athletic" look.   Having generalized dystonia is like a painful 24-hour-a-day workout. Trying to make my muscles function the way they were meant to in order to perform the most simple tasks was exhausting. Looking back at some pictures of myself competing as a 90 lb. distance runner, I still really wanted that look back.  I envisioned that thin, muscular 25-year-old who left some of the best runners in the dust while competing in local 5k road races, despite the difficulties I faced while battling this incurable neurological disease. 

Loughran's Buffalo Alumni Cup Run

July 2008

20:44 5k

But in all honesty, I was not healthy.  While I could still run like the wind and loved doing it, my energy level and fine motor skills were deteriorating.  One of the few times I ever felt in control of my body was when I would run, but running wouldn't pay the bills, and I was suffering terrible pain at work.  The time finally came when I needed to take drastic measures to become more in control of my body and of my life.

In 2008, I decided to undergo Deep Brain Stimulation (DBS) to control my twisted, stiff, spasming muscles and full body tremor. One shaved head, six hours in the OR, two holes drilled in my skull, eight electrodes placed in my brain, and two pacemakers later, I became a bionic woman.  The surgery worked so well that aside from the bulging pacemakers under my collarbones, I'd often forget about the disease.  I also started to gain weight pretty quickly, and I let my running slide. I became lazy.

My first weigh-in for the competition was 108 lbs. in November, which is actually pretty average for a woman standing 5 ft. tall.  Still, there's little in life I enjoy more than competing.  In fact, one of the only things I enjoy more than competing is winning.  I only needed to lose 8-10 lbs., and I figured "Hey, I haven't been running!  This will be a cinch."  So I bought myself a Garmin Forerunner 110, and took on the roads.  I came to the horrible realization that my 8:48 min/mile pace for an 5-8 mile run wasn't indicative of my true capabilities as a distance runner.  So I gave everything I had into my training.  On days when it was too cold, I went to the gym, hitting the treadmills and bikes, becoming stronger and faster as the weeks passed.

Our final weigh-in was on February 21st.  Laughing at the fact that some of my competion had been complaining about gaining weight more than losing over the past few months, I thought to myself, "Well, at least I didn't lose this thing! I've been pretty steady."  My final weigh-in was 111 lbs.  I was the only member in the competition whose final weigh-in was more than my initial one!  How could I be the BIGGEST LOSER?

Feeling like the loser that the competition deemed me,  I decided yesterday to strap on my Garmin and go for an 8 to 9 mile run throughout my neighborhood.  All I really had to do was finish a respectable distance to feel better about my hurt ego, while still being able to maintain my 8:48 min/mile pace from November.  But something unexpected happened.  I realized my hard work at the gym paid off not in shedding lbs., but in gaining speed, strength and endurance. Yesterday morning, my average pace from my 8.55 mile run was 7:58 min/mile! I realized I was SO not a loser! A sense of accomplishment flooded my thoughts and feelings. It wasn't about a scale or a diet to be healthy or be a "winner", but simply about being able to put one foot in front of the other  -- literally.

Endomondo Running Workout: was out running 8.55 miles in 1h:08m:04s using Endomondo.